Personal

Losing

Right now, everything burns. From each beat of my heart to the constant pain in my eyes. I have loved, but now I have lost. For the two years that have passed, I never was able to give what you deserved. I simply loved, I simply felt, but I never showed. I still have your chathead on my screen, and I steal a glance every now and then; the only connection that reassures me that you’re still here is the small green dot beside your picture. I loved you with all of my heart but I never was able to surround you with cottony sheets with a sprinkle of fresh mint. Oh, I suddenly remember your liking to peppermint. I called it weird but I was actually amused at how cute you were when you defended your ice-cold drink. That cafe where we shared constant ice-cold drinks will always be special, because it seemed to be your favorite. It was also the same cafe where you actually cried in front of other people because you wanted to watch the second part of one of your favorite superhero films. Oh, how bright your smile shined that night we went out of the cinema after watching.

You were everything to me and I still was not able to make you feel like you were loved, to make you feel that you were my whole world, my whole wide universe: an array of stars I could forever count among the stars. Unbeknownst to me, you were actually the sky full of stars for me. I loved you with utmost sincerity but I failed to touch each and every dark spot that needed to be lit. I always told you, night skies were beautiful especially when I’m with you. It was dumb of me, though, not to fully embrace the darkness that resided within the bright spots. And speaking of stars, whenever I look up and see Orion in the sky, I will forever think of you, of us, the moments we spent basking ourselves in the beauty hidden by the daylight. It will forever be our constellation for us, my little reminder of our stargazing nights.

I love you, and I always will. It is such a shame that I have not been able to make you feel the love that I could give. It will always haunt me how I never was able to make you feel beautiful despite the fact that you are my most favorite face to look at, you have the most perfect eyes I love to stare at, and that you as a whole are a masterpiece I will always treasure.

Thank you for trying to stay with me despite my every fault and lacking. You stood by me in hopes that I could someday be better like I promised but I always failed you. It’s not your fault for wanting to leave. But now as I sit with tears constantly falling and an aching chest I could not ignore, I know that I could never love another and that my love for you will always be present, no matter how much I try to ignore.

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You. You…

I understand if you feel alone, if you feel like I could not care as much as you do. It’s not your fault that you feel this way. It’s okay, I understand. It’s my fault. I have always been proud of you being my girlfriend, I have always been thankful for the fact that it’s your face I see every day and not any other’s. You mean so much more to me than I can ever tell the world. I feel all of these and yet the care I give is not the right one but understand, love that you really matter to me and I will always be here to listen to your sentiments and to make it all better, even just for a little. It’s difficult for me to express my feelings and sentiments but this does not mean that you do not mean so much to me.

I will always be yours and I am hoping that you would always be mine again. I really cannot imagine us being with someone else. Your happiness means a lot to me and I’d be more than willing to be the source of just that. Forgive me if I always disappoint you in whatever I do. I have a lot of lackings when it comes to this relationship of ours and I am not sure if I ever am able to make up for all that. I promised you maturity in return and yet, I still fail to fully change into being the ideal partner for your life. I know how much it hurts you to care for me while I show that I cannot be bothered to change myself for the better. I know it seems like a big bluff but you are all that I ever cared about. You are all I ever shed genuine tears for, the only one I had ever gotten chest pains in a good way for. You are worth so much more to me than I am able to show and this disappoints you, I know. I am not a vocal person nor am I an expert in relationships. I fail in making you feel the love I feel for you and it is frustrating, I know. Even for me, too.

Despite all this, I would like you to know that there is not another woman I could feel this feelings for. There will never be a time when I would fall for someone other than you. I also am not able to make you feel that I really do want you to be mine only. I fail to be a selfless person when it comes to you. I take too many shortcuts and I am lazy most of the time. I am cautious and not sensitive at the same time. I tend to take the easy way out for problems and I am not able to make you feel secure in my arms. I know I lack so much in this relationship we have but I feel so much more for you than I am able to show. My heart is at ease with you and I know that it is truly yours, as cheesy as it may sound. You can give me your heart, too. I will protect it with all my life. You, my sunshine and my princess, are the love of my life. It really pains me to make you go all through the hardships I put onto the path of your life. I do not want to see you suffer so much but I promise you I will do what I can to make things better. You can trust me and you can talk to me anytime. If you are not feeling well, I notice and I will not stop asking you until we get down to the problem.

I may not be the best at portraying all of these but I hope I can show even a glimpse of it through the thing I do best: writing. It may seem to be all words for now but as unrealistic as it may seem for you, I am writing with my heart on my sleeve at the moment. My heart beats with every word that I write, with every thought I have in mind. Now, love, I know you are mad and hurt at the same time. But trust me, I have never liked the thought of seeing you with another in any way. I will tell everyone from now on that you, my love, are mine and mine only. I won’t let anyone else talk to you in ways that only I should be able to. Because you’re mine. I won’t let anyone else make you feel down, as well. You can confide in me everything there is to confide. I am your shoulder to cry on and the shelter to your rain. You are mine, I am yours, and your happiness is mine as well. No care I ever showed you was fake, I swear my life on that. Every thing I do for you is sincere. I never simply acted when it comes to caring for you. You matter. You really do.

She’s Hurting

Alas, another semester has ended. With the coming of yet another vacation comes another direct strike to the heart. It almost seems intentional now, as if the universe knows exactly when to shoot its arrows of flame. It drives me crazy how it is so coincidental that my parting with the love of my life always has to have anxiousness and hurt on the line. Not of our own doing, but of life’s itself.

The first time we had to go our separate ways, I had to go home with the ever-lingering pain in my chest, the constant worrying for her health and well-being. Now, I saw her home with a tight knot hurting her chest. For the past few days, she had been fighting tears and doing all she could to cheer herself up. Every single day, I would see tears brimming into her eyes and seeing her go through so much pain gets me so weak in the knees. She does not cry a lot; her tears are worth so much more than mine, even. Seeing these tears run through her cheeks make me want to rush to the heavens and bargain with whoever is up there just to stop her pain. The night we sat by the sea, she let out her feelings and I have never cried so much for a person I had no memories with before that moment.

It’s rather new to me, how her loss pains me almost as much. Perhaps it is due to the fact that I know how much he means to her. Perhaps it is due to the fact that I have learned to love him as well from the conversations we had exchanged about her life. It surprises me, how I could learn to love a person whom I am sure loves her as much as, or maybe even far more than, I do. This, maybe, is the reason why I have cried ever since the first time we have heard of the news. Alongside the fact that seeing my girlfriend in so much pain elicits the same pain onto my chest, knowing that someone very dear to her heart has gone makes me so damn worried about her.

All I could do right now is hope for the best for her whole family. They may not know me personally, but I have heard enough stories for me to learn to love them as well. Every single person who means something to my girlfriend, means as much to me as well. With a prayer every now and then, all I could wish for is healing through time. May the winds whisper words of comfort all the way to their hurting hearts.

I love her. I love her so much.

Through Sickness and in Health—Until Forever

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For the past few days, I have been taking care of my ill girlfriend. She kept waking up in the middle of the night and almost always slept. The experience of me exposed to her vulnerability resulted to my heart getting softer than ever. It hurt a lot to see her suffering and the whole time that she was in pain, I wished I had taken medicine or nursing as my course instead. It made me wonder, would I have been more helpful and more effective if I had taken the said courses? However, I knew very well that the lack of knowledge should not stop me from doing my best to make her better. My point in this is, this incident made me realize that I really do want to be a wife of hers. I want to take care of her through each and every ache in her body. Through each difficulty and through each sickness.

Hearing that she had to undergo surgery felt like an arrow to my heart. I was worried sick. Knowing how I would not be able to help during her recovery made me worried about her well-being. I had no other choice but to pray for a successful operation and her speedy recovery. I did all I could to make her feel my presence through my hourly texts but I worry it is not enough for her to be okay. She would call from time to time and suddenly, I would feel my heart flutter at the mere sound of her voice. At the same time though, I would feel my heart ache a little, hearing how weak her voice had become. It was frustrating to know that this was all I could do for her. I wanted so badly to be her hand, be her ears, be her feet. I wanted to be her everything, just like how she was my everything.

With this incident, I have gained more than one thing. I have gained a little faith as soon as my prayers were getting answered. At night and in the morning, I would close my eyes with hands clasped and pray that she gets well. I also included her family in my prayers, hoping they would be okay especially since they would be surrounded by several viruses in the hospital. I asked, in my prayer, that He who is listening do anything He can to make sure her recovery is speedy. I asked Him to guide and be with her all the time during her recovery. Unexpectedly, the things I would pray the night before would really happen. I was more than just thankful. I was ecstatic to know that the love of my life would be in less pain with each passing day.

Saying that I am happy would not be enough. I am really thankful she had gotten better faster than I expected. And every night when I lay in my bed, I think to myself: This certainly is the girl I want to take care of for the rest of my life.

It’s sweet

 

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It’s sweet. Finally, reality now tastes as sweet as—if not more than—fantasy. Nowadays, I sleep for the sole reason of resting and not as an escape from what is real.

As I hold the hand of the woman I cherish with all my heart, I feel invincible, as if the world is a small hurdle I merely have to hop through. My heart sits on my chest, as calm as it can be. But as soon as I am in the presence of my beloved, it begins to beat hurriedly no matter how calm I think I may be. Sometimes, we’d go spend the night beside the sea, tummies full due to the snacks we had eaten. Wind blows through our hair and as I sit with her beside me, staring into the thin line between the sea and sky, I find the future less scary. For the first time in years, I am brave enough to rush through the days with no anxiousness for the upcoming endeavors. Everything seems to have landed in place, every plan sorted out, every wish carried through.

Every time we sit on the concrete beside the sea, you ask me what kind of thoughts I am having whenever I lose words from my mouth and just stare at the distance. There would be times when I’d turn my head with eyes brimming with tears. Sometimes, you notice this and other times, the darkness hides it successfully. The first time you saw the tears, they were sad and full of fear. Fear of losing you. Nevertheless, during the other times when the tears were not evident enough, they were due to an overwhelming sense of happiness and contentment. It was suddenly clear to me how tears of happiness could come at moments of silence and just sheer contentment while sitting next to someone you love. With a heart that beats oh so furiously and the warmth of your presence near me, I finally long for the future and what it holds in its clasped hands. I aspire for everything with you and for you. With you, my heart is always smiling. Until now, I still cannot believe how lucky I am to feel this way, to feel this happy, to feel this content. Until now, it’s still surprising how sweet reality could be just because of one person; because of you.

With a genuine smile and a sigh of relief, I can say with utmost sincerity that I have found my partner in life, my little ball of sunshine, and my cool rain during a hot day. I am no longer living in a countdown. Instead, I find myself lingering over the present and the wonders of today. So thank you, love. Thank you.

Nerra

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You make me happy.

I will never be able to deny the fact that I am deeply in love with you. I am not worthy of a final chance and I know that you have changed a lot since the first time we met. I punched holes into you that I began expanding and further damaged as time passed by. Loving me only became possible because of the faith you had in me. Still, I crushed every ounce of hope you once held on to. I treated you like I never loved you and now there is nothing I can do to remove those memories and scars.

I want you to be happy.

I know there is not much left in you anymore and I am not asking anything from you. All I yearn for is your happiness, your true happiness. You gave me so much love and now I must do what I should have before. I am truly in love with you and I do not want to hear your sobs once again. There may still be pain residing in your heart and all I want to do is remove those completely.

Aided by the newfound wisdom I have earned, I wish to successfully help you recover. With my love, I hope to be able to show you that you still deserve every positive thing there is in this Earth. You are my world. I do not wish to be yours, do not worry. I am merely someone who wants to love you right. There are so many things I still want to say but for now, I just want to cause even the smallest smile to grow on your lips. Continue smiling, my princess. I love you.