life

You. You…

I understand if you feel alone, if you feel like I could not care as much as you do. It’s not your fault that you feel this way. It’s okay, I understand. It’s my fault. I have always been proud of you being my girlfriend, I have always been thankful for the fact that it’s your face I see every day and not any other’s. You mean so much more to me than I can ever tell the world. I feel all of these and yet the care I give is not the right one but understand, love that you really matter to me and I will always be here to listen to your sentiments and to make it all better, even just for a little. It’s difficult for me to express my feelings and sentiments but this does not mean that you do not mean so much to me.

I will always be yours and I am hoping that you would always be mine again. I really cannot imagine us being with someone else. Your happiness means a lot to me and I’d be more than willing to be the source of just that. Forgive me if I always disappoint you in whatever I do. I have a lot of lackings when it comes to this relationship of ours and I am not sure if I ever am able to make up for all that. I promised you maturity in return and yet, I still fail to fully change into being the ideal partner for your life. I know how much it hurts you to care for me while I show that I cannot be bothered to change myself for the better. I know it seems like a big bluff but you are all that I ever cared about. You are all I ever shed genuine tears for, the only one I had ever gotten chest pains in a good way for. You are worth so much more to me than I am able to show and this disappoints you, I know. I am not a vocal person nor am I an expert in relationships. I fail in making you feel the love I feel for you and it is frustrating, I know. Even for me, too.

Despite all this, I would like you to know that there is not another woman I could feel this feelings for. There will never be a time when I would fall for someone other than you. I also am not able to make you feel that I really do want you to be mine only. I fail to be a selfless person when it comes to you. I take too many shortcuts and I am lazy most of the time. I am cautious and not sensitive at the same time. I tend to take the easy way out for problems and I am not able to make you feel secure in my arms. I know I lack so much in this relationship we have but I feel so much more for you than I am able to show. My heart is at ease with you and I know that it is truly yours, as cheesy as it may sound. You can give me your heart, too. I will protect it with all my life. You, my sunshine and my princess, are the love of my life. It really pains me to make you go all through the hardships I put onto the path of your life. I do not want to see you suffer so much but I promise you I will do what I can to make things better. You can trust me and you can talk to me anytime. If you are not feeling well, I notice and I will not stop asking you until we get down to the problem.

I may not be the best at portraying all of these but I hope I can show even a glimpse of it through the thing I do best: writing. It may seem to be all words for now but as unrealistic as it may seem for you, I am writing with my heart on my sleeve at the moment. My heart beats with every word that I write, with every thought I have in mind. Now, love, I know you are mad and hurt at the same time. But trust me, I have never liked the thought of seeing you with another in any way. I will tell everyone from now on that you, my love, are mine and mine only. I won’t let anyone else talk to you in ways that only I should be able to. Because you’re mine. I won’t let anyone else make you feel down, as well. You can confide in me everything there is to confide. I am your shoulder to cry on and the shelter to your rain. You are mine, I am yours, and your happiness is mine as well. No care I ever showed you was fake, I swear my life on that. Every thing I do for you is sincere. I never simply acted when it comes to caring for you. You matter. You really do.

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Happiness is…?

“Happiness is…”

Recently, I encountered an intriguing item in one of my many college entrance exams and it has not left my train of thoughts ever since I laid my eyes upon it. It was in the section where the purpose was to get to know the examinee better, I suppose. The items there created different routes that would help define who as a person by taking note of your responses to different things in your life. One item there had something to do with happiness and what it means to you. There were only four items: A, B, C, and D. I do not recall everything but the choices had something along the lines of “having inner peace” and others of the like. However, one particular item hit bulls-eye on what was running on my head that time. Among the more common answers about happiness stood one that people laughed about upon exiting the testing venue. It was not a laughing matter for me, though, since I did not really expect to find something that fit my own definition of happiness.

“Temporary”

It was the choice I picked in the test, not because I wanted to wallow in self-pity nor because I wanted the exam checkers to have pity on me. I picked it because it was the sole thought that had entered my mind when I read the question for that particular number. I, however, did not shade the circle for that particular choice immediately. I actually spent a generous amount of that time for that item, contemplating whether I should let my thoughts out freely and let the exam checker know what kind of thoughts linger on my mind. I got paranoid, worried that it might affect my chances of qualifying for that said university. In the end, though, I ended up shading it despite the fears that constantly tried to warn me.

After the exam, I had a talk with a few of my friends who took the same exam I did. They mentioned about the item about happiness and kind of made fun of it, laughing at the choice which had “temporary”. I, of course, could not let them know that it had affected me in ways I didn’t know it could so I brushed it off and laughed along with them despite the empty feeling the realization gave me. I told them that it was what I picked and they were a bit surprised, probably because they didn’t think someone would actually pick such a choice among the more acceptable ones. Not wanting to ruin the playful mood, I added a chuckle after I mentioned it to my friends, making it seem like I found it rather amusing as they did. After it, the thought flew away along with the wind, as if we never talked about it. It just proves how minimal it was to them.

The thought never left my mind(it’s why I’m writing this right now) and kept bugging me every late night where everyone would be asleep and I had all the time in the world to contemplate about things and think a bit deeper. I realized how hollow I felt last night after several feelings of emotional outbursts(though I did not cry, I just felt really down). A simple sentence from my brother or my mother would be enough to get tears brimming on my eyes. It was weird but I have just realized that it was the result of having all the feelings bottled up securely in the confines of my heart. Nevertheless, I had come upon a conclusion that happiness should not be sought for(well, at least for me). Why? Because it’s temporary, everything is just a cruel cycle so even though I could get my feelings on the top, they would soon drop into the lowest point once again so why bother? Others would gladly take the risk as long as they’d experience it but the thought isn’t just so pleasing for me. I have treaded the paths in my life as if everything were normal during the day, only to get the empty, hollow feeling at night. It’s been like this for a while now and I guess it’s tolerable so far. I’d probably even get through my whole life like this. No one knows, I might change but for the meantime, I’m stuck, still searching for whatever it is that could heal.

Bliss? I think not.

Here I come, slowly taking big strides towards a more serious lifestyle. With every step and every intake of the breath, I could feel myself sinking into the depths of mild depression because of the inexplicable anxiety the concept of life causes me. Coming to think of it, I have spent almost all my life in the shadows of the roofs of concrete walls whose ulterior motives are to implant varying ideas and false concepts about how life should be seen as. Almost everyone has grown up to believe that they have to strive hard in order to attain a job of which they could settle with until the time when they would not be able to lift a finger anymore because of pure fatigue and of course, the nearing of the day when the ground will  take you back because, apparently, it is where you truly belong.

It bothers me how we spend our limited and precious time on this hell hole–I mean earth– with the sheer motivation of, “I have to do this in order to get a stable job!”. In fact, every time I think further about it, tingles are sent to my spine—and they aren’t the good kind, believe me. The main concept of how life works is simply burdensome for me. Like, you are sent to school in order for you to get a stable job where you can supposedly achieve your dreams but with the consequence of having to go through a lot of stress and fatigue, doing the same things over and over again until you reach the age in which you lose the ability and energy to continue doing strenuous activities. By the time you reach this, you have all the time in the world for yourself. However, you would not be able to do all there is in your bucket list because your body will tend to decline, unlike how your past teenage body would’ve been able to do the task without a sweat. So yes, that’s how I would summarize life if someone were to ask me to. It’s kind of depressing, honestly but I suppose it’s better than the concept of eternal life.

A few others would claim that life is nothing more than making memories and having to go through ups and downs, and that is enough for them to feel as though life is such a bliss. Others, on the other hand, like to hold on to the belief that after such a stress-oriented lifestyle in the mortal world we live in, we would get to experience true happiness and gain inner peace as soon as our souls are sent to the other world wherein we would get to experience how forever is like. In all honesty, both forms of bliss caused by the two common mindsets are boggling for me. Forever is not such a sweet term for my taste buds. In fact, it is more of a needle which continuously pokes through the poor tasting senses, causing more pain than I can endure. Forever is such a long, long time and the thought alone scares me. (I’m actually experiencing shaky fingers right now as I type about this ‘forever’). Nevertheless, the thought of life having no such significance also frightens the soul out of me.

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I honestly think that I may just be thinking too hard and too deeply but what can I do, I can’t help it. Not at all. It just bothers me so much that I had to get out of my /cough/ daily routine /cough/ just to rant this all out and to feel a little bit better than I have before. It was a small anxiety attack so I needed an outlet of some sort, sorry if this is as organized as my room, ehe.