happiness

22nd

It’s better now. We have grown into two different people with a few new qualities alongside some removed ones. It’s a different us, but it still feels the same.

My heart has gone through various ups and downs and yet when I’m with you, my chest always feels lighter and somewhat warmer. Being in our dorm without you for a few days had a lot of mixed emotions involved in it. For one, it made me feel your absence a lot more. There was no one asking for water in a cute little voice and there was no one who would suddenly curse while staring at the phone, playing our favorite mobile game. I missed your short whines and your occasional nagging. Most of all, I missed you. Nevertheless, the room felt so much like home; an incomplete home without you, that is. The moment I stepped into the door, a wave of familiarity hit me. It made me smile, remembering how we arranged our things before leaving for the short break. Waking up was not at all sad because I knew you would be arriving in a week, but there was still this constant yearning for your presence. However, the main thing I realized from your absence was that I still felt happy. It was a first. My heart, my soul. They both felt happy. You may have been physically absent for that period but you still were in my heart and nothing could change that. Moreover, I knew that I was in yours as well. That was enough to make me smile.

Just when I thought I could not be happier anymore, I get to experience all these because of you. I sleep at night, thanking the universe for all that has transpired during the day and looking forward to another beautiful day. It really pays to love someone right, not just for the person but for yourself as well. Because of you, I no longer merely exist but am now truly living. My heart has never smiled this much before. Here’s to another month more to our journey to happiness. I hope you keep holding my hand as we wander because I really can’t see myself letting go of yours forever.

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It’s sweet

 

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It’s sweet. Finally, reality now tastes as sweet as—if not more than—fantasy. Nowadays, I sleep for the sole reason of resting and not as an escape from what is real.

As I hold the hand of the woman I cherish with all my heart, I feel invincible, as if the world is a small hurdle I merely have to hop through. My heart sits on my chest, as calm as it can be. But as soon as I am in the presence of my beloved, it begins to beat hurriedly no matter how calm I think I may be. Sometimes, we’d go spend the night beside the sea, tummies full due to the snacks we had eaten. Wind blows through our hair and as I sit with her beside me, staring into the thin line between the sea and sky, I find the future less scary. For the first time in years, I am brave enough to rush through the days with no anxiousness for the upcoming endeavors. Everything seems to have landed in place, every plan sorted out, every wish carried through.

Every time we sit on the concrete beside the sea, you ask me what kind of thoughts I am having whenever I lose words from my mouth and just stare at the distance. There would be times when I’d turn my head with eyes brimming with tears. Sometimes, you notice this and other times, the darkness hides it successfully. The first time you saw the tears, they were sad and full of fear. Fear of losing you. Nevertheless, during the other times when the tears were not evident enough, they were due to an overwhelming sense of happiness and contentment. It was suddenly clear to me how tears of happiness could come at moments of silence and just sheer contentment while sitting next to someone you love. With a heart that beats oh so furiously and the warmth of your presence near me, I finally long for the future and what it holds in its clasped hands. I aspire for everything with you and for you. With you, my heart is always smiling. Until now, I still cannot believe how lucky I am to feel this way, to feel this happy, to feel this content. Until now, it’s still surprising how sweet reality could be just because of one person; because of you.

With a genuine smile and a sigh of relief, I can say with utmost sincerity that I have found my partner in life, my little ball of sunshine, and my cool rain during a hot day. I am no longer living in a countdown. Instead, I find myself lingering over the present and the wonders of today. So thank you, love. Thank you.

Kites: An Afterthought

A variant of colors moving at different speeds, all across the newly cut grass. It was this scenery which caused flutters in my stomach and chest. Another chest pain, I thought. However, this was far from those pain-inducing stirrings.

I stared at the sky with hands clasped rather gently at the phone which I just finished using; if it were not for your need to eat, it would have still been pressed firmly against my ear. Among the beautiful blues and whites, an additional color rose up to kiss the seemingly unreachable sky. A kite. Its yellow adorned the already charming hues. I felt a pull at the corner of my lips as a thought made its way into my train of thought.

You.

Us.

The scene in front of me induced feelings rather unrelated to it. It was in this instant that I realized how changed my life has been. All because of you. I was a mere shade of blues and whites, a combination which I paid no heed but still appreciated much. Initially, I had thought of this two-colored palette as something already satisfying. Something I had been much contented with before you showed  me how you could blend other colors with my current ones. Like the strange yellow that interrupted the stable colors of the sky, your colors suddenly entered my life and gave its aesthetic a whole new meaning.

It was this moment, this kite, that made me realize how grateful I am for the intrusion of  a thousand colors. The vibrant and darker hues made my dull skies livelier, much lovelier. You give me so much that words alone cannot explain. You gave me more than what I asked for and I could never be any happier than when I am reminded of the gift that is you.

You made my sky exquisite but you should know that you are far more stunning.

Happiness is…?

“Happiness is…”

Recently, I encountered an intriguing item in one of my many college entrance exams and it has not left my train of thoughts ever since I laid my eyes upon it. It was in the section where the purpose was to get to know the examinee better, I suppose. The items there created different routes that would help define who as a person by taking note of your responses to different things in your life. One item there had something to do with happiness and what it means to you. There were only four items: A, B, C, and D. I do not recall everything but the choices had something along the lines of “having inner peace” and others of the like. However, one particular item hit bulls-eye on what was running on my head that time. Among the more common answers about happiness stood one that people laughed about upon exiting the testing venue. It was not a laughing matter for me, though, since I did not really expect to find something that fit my own definition of happiness.

“Temporary”

It was the choice I picked in the test, not because I wanted to wallow in self-pity nor because I wanted the exam checkers to have pity on me. I picked it because it was the sole thought that had entered my mind when I read the question for that particular number. I, however, did not shade the circle for that particular choice immediately. I actually spent a generous amount of that time for that item, contemplating whether I should let my thoughts out freely and let the exam checker know what kind of thoughts linger on my mind. I got paranoid, worried that it might affect my chances of qualifying for that said university. In the end, though, I ended up shading it despite the fears that constantly tried to warn me.

After the exam, I had a talk with a few of my friends who took the same exam I did. They mentioned about the item about happiness and kind of made fun of it, laughing at the choice which had “temporary”. I, of course, could not let them know that it had affected me in ways I didn’t know it could so I brushed it off and laughed along with them despite the empty feeling the realization gave me. I told them that it was what I picked and they were a bit surprised, probably because they didn’t think someone would actually pick such a choice among the more acceptable ones. Not wanting to ruin the playful mood, I added a chuckle after I mentioned it to my friends, making it seem like I found it rather amusing as they did. After it, the thought flew away along with the wind, as if we never talked about it. It just proves how minimal it was to them.

The thought never left my mind(it’s why I’m writing this right now) and kept bugging me every late night where everyone would be asleep and I had all the time in the world to contemplate about things and think a bit deeper. I realized how hollow I felt last night after several feelings of emotional outbursts(though I did not cry, I just felt really down). A simple sentence from my brother or my mother would be enough to get tears brimming on my eyes. It was weird but I have just realized that it was the result of having all the feelings bottled up securely in the confines of my heart. Nevertheless, I had come upon a conclusion that happiness should not be sought for(well, at least for me). Why? Because it’s temporary, everything is just a cruel cycle so even though I could get my feelings on the top, they would soon drop into the lowest point once again so why bother? Others would gladly take the risk as long as they’d experience it but the thought isn’t just so pleasing for me. I have treaded the paths in my life as if everything were normal during the day, only to get the empty, hollow feeling at night. It’s been like this for a while now and I guess it’s tolerable so far. I’d probably even get through my whole life like this. No one knows, I might change but for the meantime, I’m stuck, still searching for whatever it is that could heal.