Alas, another semester has ended. With the coming of yet another vacation comes another direct strike to the heart. It almost seems intentional now, as if the universe knows exactly when to shoot its arrows of flame. It drives me crazy how it is so coincidental that my parting with the love of my life always has to have anxiousness and hurt on the line. Not of our own doing, but of life’s itself.
The first time we had to go our separate ways, I had to go home with the ever-lingering pain in my chest, the constant worrying for her health and well-being. Now, I saw her home with a tight knot hurting her chest. For the past few days, she had been fighting tears and doing all she could to cheer herself up. Every single day, I would see tears brimming into her eyes and seeing her go through so much pain gets me so weak in the knees. She does not cry a lot; her tears are worth so much more than mine, even. Seeing these tears run through her cheeks make me want to rush to the heavens and bargain with whoever is up there just to stop her pain. The night we sat by the sea, she let out her feelings and I have never cried so much for a person I had no memories with before that moment.
It’s rather new to me, how her loss pains me almost as much. Perhaps it is due to the fact that I know how much he means to her. Perhaps it is due to the fact that I have learned to love him as well from the conversations we had exchanged about her life. It surprises me, how I could learn to love a person whom I am sure loves her as much as, or maybe even far more than, I do. This, maybe, is the reason why I have cried ever since the first time we have heard of the news. Alongside the fact that seeing my girlfriend in so much pain elicits the same pain onto my chest, knowing that someone very dear to her heart has gone makes me so damn worried about her.
All I could do right now is hope for the best for her whole family. They may not know me personally, but I have heard enough stories for me to learn to love them as well. Every single person who means something to my girlfriend, means as much to me as well. With a prayer every now and then, all I could wish for is healing through time. May the winds whisper words of comfort all the way to their hurting hearts.
I love her. I love her so much.
For the past few days, I have been taking care of my ill girlfriend. She kept waking up in the middle of the night and almost always slept. The experience of me exposed to her vulnerability resulted to my heart getting softer than ever. It hurt a lot to see her suffering and the whole time that she was in pain, I wished I had taken medicine or nursing as my course instead. It made me wonder, would I have been more helpful and more effective if I had taken the said courses? However, I knew very well that the lack of knowledge should not stop me from doing my best to make her better. My point in this is, this incident made me realize that I really do want to be a wife of hers. I want to take care of her through each and every ache in her body. Through each difficulty and through each sickness.
Hearing that she had to undergo surgery felt like an arrow to my heart. I was worried sick. Knowing how I would not be able to help during her recovery made me worried about her well-being. I had no other choice but to pray for a successful operation and her speedy recovery. I did all I could to make her feel my presence through my hourly texts but I worry it is not enough for her to be okay. She would call from time to time and suddenly, I would feel my heart flutter at the mere sound of her voice. At the same time though, I would feel my heart ache a little, hearing how weak her voice had become. It was frustrating to know that this was all I could do for her. I wanted so badly to be her hand, be her ears, be her feet. I wanted to be her everything, just like how she was my everything.
With this incident, I have gained more than one thing. I have gained a little faith as soon as my prayers were getting answered. At night and in the morning, I would close my eyes with hands clasped and pray that she gets well. I also included her family in my prayers, hoping they would be okay especially since they would be surrounded by several viruses in the hospital. I asked, in my prayer, that He who is listening do anything He can to make sure her recovery is speedy. I asked Him to guide and be with her all the time during her recovery. Unexpectedly, the things I would pray the night before would really happen. I was more than just thankful. I was ecstatic to know that the love of my life would be in less pain with each passing day.
Saying that I am happy would not be enough. I am really thankful she had gotten better faster than I expected. And every night when I lay in my bed, I think to myself: This certainly is the girl I want to take care of for the rest of my life.
It’s better now. We have grown into two different people with a few new qualities alongside some removed ones. It’s a different us, but it still feels the same.
My heart has gone through various ups and downs and yet when I’m with you, my chest always feels lighter and somewhat warmer. Being in our dorm without you for a few days had a lot of mixed emotions involved in it. For one, it made me feel your absence a lot more. There was no one asking for water in a cute little voice and there was no one who would suddenly curse while staring at the phone, playing our favorite mobile game. I missed your short whines and your occasional nagging. Most of all, I missed you. Nevertheless, the room felt so much like home; an incomplete home without you, that is. The moment I stepped into the door, a wave of familiarity hit me. It made me smile, remembering how we arranged our things before leaving for the short break. Waking up was not at all sad because I knew you would be arriving in a week, but there was still this constant yearning for your presence. However, the main thing I realized from your absence was that I still felt happy. It was a first. My heart, my soul. They both felt happy. You may have been physically absent for that period but you still were in my heart and nothing could change that. Moreover, I knew that I was in yours as well. That was enough to make me smile.
Just when I thought I could not be happier anymore, I get to experience all these because of you. I sleep at night, thanking the universe for all that has transpired during the day and looking forward to another beautiful day. It really pays to love someone right, not just for the person but for yourself as well. Because of you, I no longer merely exist but am now truly living. My heart has never smiled this much before. Here’s to another month more to our journey to happiness. I hope you keep holding my hand as we wander because I really can’t see myself letting go of yours forever.
You make me happy.
I will never be able to deny the fact that I am deeply in love with you. I am not worthy of a final chance and I know that you have changed a lot since the first time we met. I punched holes into you that I began expanding and further damaged as time passed by. Loving me only became possible because of the faith you had in me. Still, I crushed every ounce of hope you once held on to. I treated you like I never loved you and now there is nothing I can do to remove those memories and scars.
I want you to be happy.
I know there is not much left in you anymore and I am not asking anything from you. All I yearn for is your happiness, your true happiness. You gave me so much love and now I must do what I should have before. I am truly in love with you and I do not want to hear your sobs once again. There may still be pain residing in your heart and all I want to do is remove those completely.
Aided by the newfound wisdom I have earned, I wish to successfully help you recover. With my love, I hope to be able to show you that you still deserve every positive thing there is in this Earth. You are my world. I do not wish to be yours, do not worry. I am merely someone who wants to love you right. There are so many things I still want to say but for now, I just want to cause even the smallest smile to grow on your lips. Continue smiling, my princess. I love you.
A variant of colors moving at different speeds, all across the newly cut grass. It was this scenery which caused flutters in my stomach and chest. Another chest pain, I thought. However, this was far from those pain-inducing stirrings.
I stared at the sky with hands clasped rather gently at the phone which I just finished using; if it were not for your need to eat, it would have still been pressed firmly against my ear. Among the beautiful blues and whites, an additional color rose up to kiss the seemingly unreachable sky. A kite. Its yellow adorned the already charming hues. I felt a pull at the corner of my lips as a thought made its way into my train of thought.
The scene in front of me induced feelings rather unrelated to it. It was in this instant that I realized how changed my life has been. All because of you. I was a mere shade of blues and whites, a combination which I paid no heed but still appreciated much. Initially, I had thought of this two-colored palette as something already satisfying. Something I had been much contented with before you showed me how you could blend other colors with my current ones. Like the strange yellow that interrupted the stable colors of the sky, your colors suddenly entered my life and gave its aesthetic a whole new meaning.
It was this moment, this kite, that made me realize how grateful I am for the intrusion of a thousand colors. The vibrant and darker hues made my dull skies livelier, much lovelier. You give me so much that words alone cannot explain. You gave me more than what I asked for and I could never be any happier than when I am reminded of the gift that is you.
You made my sky exquisite but you should know that you are far more stunning.
Once again, I am submerging myself in oceans I have long left and separated myself from months ago
It is not something I can fight against
I may have a buoy but that buoy is not strong enough
That same buoy pushes me against the tides whenever big tidal waves arrive
When will I learn the limits of “I can”
I see a lot who mourn in agony and depression because of this certain feeling oh-so-intoxicating. I hated this said sensation before but ironically, I had fallen into the depths of its evil, even as I had been an anti-love enthusiast back in the past years of my high school days. It had been confusing and yet beneficial at the same time, making it all the more reason to be considered as something along the lines of a headache and a heart burn. To say that I have never come upon to grow fond of this feeling would be a lie, in all honesty. I don’t even know why I ended up getting struck by the arrow inflicted upon my unaware heart at the wrong time. It, perhaps, might be my fault. Mea culpa. How? Well, I fall far too fast. Possibly as fast as the speed of sound(it’s still slower than light, you see). However, when this happens, I don’t usually get too stuck in too deep. it usually only lasts for a few weeks or so but at the moment, I have violated my own rules that I have made as restrictions for myself and worst of all, it’s getting stronger as time passes by.
Going back to the topic at hand, love is certainly something beautiful, something everyone must experience but get this. But, when someone’s says he or she is in love, it’s just mere infatuation. Love doesn’t feel like that, it’s not about butterflies and rainbows, flowers blooming at the end of the road. No. Love is something more simple, something harder to attain. A level of pure loyalty and devotion; like how a religious Christian values God in his or her life or how an agnostic feels settled in his or her chosen beliefs. Love is when you are past the infatuation stage and those tingly feelings are gone. However, the passion for the other is still there despite the teenagerly feelings being gone. I have kept these in mind for as long as I can remember and I have been going through life with this at heart and mind. So how can we just state the three words to someone who is not even at that level in our heart? How can we just throw those words that used to mean something really big? How can the word ‘like’, now mean more than love, was it not supposed to be the other way around? It’s saddening, to be honest, how love is simply being stuck into our mindset as if it is something we can say to each and everyone. I myself do the same thing but I do little revisions. I use the full word when I truly mean it and use a combination of letters that sound like love when it is not coming from my heart. In my whole life, I have used the word whilst talking to someone just once, just to one person. This, however, does not get me away from the fact that I say it to almost everyone as well. Let’s just take a moment and think before letting the word escape from our mouths. Is it our heart that is truly speaking or is it just the playful mouth?